Shia LaBeouf 2.0, Miles Teller, is conventionally attractive in the sense that he’s fifteen pounds overweight and made his debut appearance in The Hills Have Eyes as the guy who ripped the bird in two and drank its blood. “A natural” – raved critics. He’s conventionally douchy in the sense that he’s practically self-cleaning, so by the laws of the Hollywood mystics, Teller has inexplicably become famous.
This weekend Teller was blind drunk in the Florida of the West Coast, San Diego, when cops hauled him off to a drunk tank despite his protests. Teller was found obliterated on a sidewalk, where he fell into the street in front of the cops questioning his sobriety. Teller became belligerent when told he would have to go with the cops to sleep off his intoxication at the station. If a black man acted this way with a cop he’d be bleeding out on a Facebook Live video. Teller walked away with a misdemeanor and only spent four hours in jail. They’re doing police brutality all wrong. You start with the obnoxious celebrities who ask you if you know who they are.
The thirty-year-old Divergent actor has superseded the likes of Ansel Elgort and LaBeouf as the celebrity to most likely kill a hooker under an overpass and then drag the corpse to a contemporary art museum and film Tilda Swinton pegging it with the rolled up Declaration of Independence. It’s not a small list of competitors. Society, you have been woken. He’d either get a slap on the wrist or a Kennedy Center Honor. In a perfect world actors like Teller would never have been created. The Kardashians have the decency to have tits and not complain about having to wipe them off. If we can’t send him off on an ice floe, at least he’s dancing for us a bit.
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