Taylor Swift Inc. Bought House For Pregnant Homeless Fan For App Downloads

December 23, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Taylor Swift Inc. has been busy in the boardroom split testing her next literal exploit, and now we know that it’s come in the form of buying a pregnant and homeless fan a brand new house! You get a house, and you get a house, and you get a house! Except really just you, busted probably crack head homeless pregnant woman, because you’re going to tell the world about the experience on Taylor Swift’s brand new app that’s fun for the whole family, The Swift Life, and you’re going to pretend like you weren’t contractually obligated to do so. The woman, Stephanie, even included some handy hashtags for other Swift gift recipients to join in on the convo. The whole thing feels like it was pulled off with the help of a consulting firm, and the fact that people are deep throating this news – with Just Jared calling it “seriously cool” – is fucking trag.

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Taylor Swift Wrote A Vogue Poem

December 8, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Let go of the ones who hurt you
Let go of the ones you outgrow
Let go of the words they hurl your way
as you’re walking out the door
The only thing cut and dry
In this hedge-maze life
Is the fact that their words will cut
but your tears will dry

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Time’s Person Of The Year A Bunch Of “Silence Breakers” But Mostly Taylor Swift

December 6, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

The magazine that your great-grandparents got all of their breaking Dust Bowl news from, Time Magazine, has managed to stay relevant for yet another year by awarding its Person of the Year distinction to a bunch of women who have experienced sexual assault, been manhandled, or just seen a man in general. This is in no way intended to play off of last year’s Person of the Year, Donald Trump, and in no way feels like months-late click bait. You’ll never believe who’s flat ass was grabbed by a DJ. Oh, you already heard about it fourteen years ago? Well too bad, because the Internet will still apparently fuck anything tangential to the #MeToo movement. Consensually of course.

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What Vogue Editor Wrote About Taylor Swift Inc. Will Give You Diarrhea

December 5, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

I like to believe that Taylor Swift Inc. has reached the Born This Way era of her career – meaning that audiences are getting tired of her schtick, sniffing out the realization that she would refinance their mortgages at low low rates if she thought she could make a buck, and that her next album will be met with an earthquake-creating thud like Artpop. Swift Inc.’s popularity is hanging by a thread made of residual goodwill, but even her die-hard fans will come to the realization sooner or later that she’s a businesswoman first and foremost, and that her reinventions are about as organic as Apple iOS updates. 

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Taylor Swift Sig Heils and Rose McGowan Heroism Non Pareil on the Last Men on Earth Podcast #109

November 9, 2017 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

On this week’s Last Men on Earth Podcast, we broke new ground on the Rose McGowan as classic heroine argument, supportTaylor Swift against charges of pop Naziism followed by supporting Larry David’s concentration camp humor, draw straws to see who shall speak at Lamar Odom’s funeral, and wonder who will be left in Hollywood in a couple weeks to make any movies or TV shows now that the train cars are being filled with the accused. I guess that’s a Nazi reference too. We’re probably headed for the Southern Poverty Law Center blacklist.

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Taylor Swift, Alt-Right Anthem Queen

November 7, 2017 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

The civil liberties organization fired off a letter to Taylor Swift this week, demanding she call her legal dogs off of a small, leftist blogger.

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Taylor Swift Inc. Naked Robot Thing

October 23, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

The brevity of Taylor Swift’s relationships is finally making sense now that we know, thanks to her revealing new music video, that she, in fact, does not have a vagina. What we always suspected. Swift Inc.’s music video teaser posted to Instagram looks like an ad for a new unlicensed superhero roller coaster at a second-tier theme park, complete with moody Batman font and plenty of iMovie lightning. Representative of her mood. So brooding. So serious. So intense. And don’t forget to use UPS this holiday season for all of your packaging and shipping needs. 

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Taylor Swift Las Vegas Jackpot

October 3, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Business savvy bowl of expired plain yogurt Taylor Swift would capitalize on a national tragedy if she could. And, she basically has. While some people waited in line for hours to donate blood to victims of Monday’s horrific Las Vegas shooting – the deadliest shooting in modern American history – the bazillionaire pop star was strategizing ways to get “Taylor Swift” to pop up in Google next to “Las Vegas Massacre.” She succeeded by sending plants and flowers to the Los Angeles station of an out-of-town police officer wounded during the shooting. A woman at the station posted understandable excitement over the A-list interaction to Instagram, and today Swift beats out all fifty-eight victims for attention. Nice try, victims. 

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Taylor Swift Sued For Swiping Song Lyrics

September 25, 2017 | celebrity | Elliot Wolf| 0 Comments

Taylor has been trademarking phrases for merch to make herself that much richer. Karma came back and now the legal battle of who can be more petty, singer or songwriter, has begun. 

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Taylor Swiftly Trademarks Phrases From Album

September 6, 2017 | celebrity | Elliot Wolf| 0 Comments

Sharing is caring only applies to those who probably eat paste and are still in need of potty training. Taylor Swift is a ways away from kindergarten. When you’re a celebrity getting ahead means nothing is free.

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